Wow, friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve met you here. It’s been almost four months, actually, since the last time I posted. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to be with you though. It’s because I haven’t known what to say.
Life is hard right now.
And I’ve talked around this issue a lot here in this space. But I haven’t really talked about this issue here in this space. The root of it all, if you will. I’ve never named it. I’ve never called it out. I’ve never told you what it is.
Because I can’t.
Yes. This space is where I pen my confessions. It’s where I strive to be vulnerable and authentic. It’s where I have committed to share with you parts of my story, usually the broken, hot-mess portions of it, with the hope that I might pour something into you that might give you the courage to do the same for someone else. It’s where I want to be honest and open and brave. So that you, too, might be honest and open and brave, and together, we might resurrect the beauty of real community and connection for the betterment of our people.
But even still, there are some parts of my story that I can’t share in such a public forum. At least not right now. They’re the kinds of things to be shared in hindsight. Not in the going through.
And that’s where I am.
I’m in the going through.
My family and my marriage are fine so please don’t worry about those kinds of things. But life has me in a place I just can’t seem to come to grips with. So I’m doing really hard work to wade in the waters of hurt, anger, resentment, disappointment, and grief.
I’m trying to heal.
I’m trying to refocus my identity in harmony with my reality.
I’m trying to accept these bitter parts of life, thank God for them, and grow.
And I’m trying to paint a picture with God about the realistic possibilities that exist for me right where I am.
It occupies a whole lot of my brain space.
And on the hard days, of which there are so many right now, the weakness in my spirit tells me I have nothing else to offer you here.
So I don’t write, and that makes me deeply sad.
But even though its the end of January, it’s still the beginning of a new year. And while I loathe the idea of New Year Resolutions, I love the idea of a clean slate. A re-setting of what has been and a leaning into what might become. Because when one part of our life wreaks of shambles beyond our control, we have a choice.
We can let it hijack the rest of our life.
Or we can grow around it.
When this thought first occurred to me, the idea of “growing around” seemed more than improbable. It seemed impossible. Because this part of my life takes up a very large space in my identity, and I’ve loved that all these years.
It also broke my heart. Because growing around this space I have no control over requires so much acceptance and letting go.
I want things to be a certain way. The way they used to be. But they aren’t. And they will never be again. And any of you who have grieved the loss of something in your life know these parts of the journey are hard.
But as I have considered it more and more, I have realized that “growing around” doesn’t necessarily mean an all-together abandonment of the parts of my life that are in shreds.
It can mean a pause. A rest. A stepping back, even if just for a season so we can create the space in this busy, relentless life we’re living for God to move and breath and speak. So we can create quiet in a noisy world that will allow us to really hear Him on the other end. And so we can consider a new thing without being overwhelmed by the context of our circumstances.
I have felt God pressing in on me to stop the crazy for a while now. All of it. But I’m a Type A over-achiever, and I suffer from Fear Of Missing Out so this has been a really hard thing for me to hear.
Nonetheless, honesty requires that I admit I’m exhausted. I’m uninspired. I have lost all focus and purpose. And all the things I thought God was leading me to do leave me feeling burdened, heavy, and bitter.
This has to stop.
So I have wiped my plate clean of almost all nonobligatory commitments. I have resigned from a number of leadership roles. I have resolved to not “re-up” with other commitments that will naturally role off my plate in the coming months. And I’m saying “no” a lot.
I have filled my nightstand with book recommendations from wise friends who know the whole story.
I’m getting up early to relish the quiet.
I’m exercising.
I’m eating healthy.
And I’m working on personal growth in a variety of ways.
I’m also focusing on the relational side of my life. Because if anything lights me up, that’s it. It’s my people.
I’m dating my husband.
I’m loving on my family.
I’m gathering people around our table.
I’m hunkering down for a season of rest, contemplation, and revival. And for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling relieved and hopeful. Life isn’t the way it used to be. But life can be good again, and I’m determined to find the good right where I am.
I’m wondering. How many of you need to do the same?
So here’s the deal. I need to write here in this space. I need to be in conversation with you. I need the connection. The exchanging of ideas. The solidarity. I need the inspiration, support, and encouragement that comes when I put something out here, and you come back with a high five and a “me too”!
I need to meet you here. It’s like breath to me.
So no longer will I allow the weight of my circumstances to keep my fingers from this key board.
But I am choosing to write from a new perspective. The perspective of this journey I’m embarking on to love the life I actually have.
I’m going to write openly and honestly and with my bravest foot forward about what God is showing me along the way.
I’m going to share the insights I’m gleaning, and how I am growing and changing and coming back to life as a result of my willingness to lay it all down, enter a season of rest, and listen — really listen — for God to speak into my heart.
And I’m going to bring hope to this space. For me and for you.
If this resonates with you at all. If your heart is beating a little faster because I’m speaking your language. If you’re ready to turn the corner towards a new day in your own journey but need some support and accountability. I hope you’ll join me and let me hear from you along the way.
Because life can be good. And we’ve got this if we’ll do it together.
Love this post and completely agree with you – having to work through some things that are hard right now, having to let certain commitments go and enter new ones where i feel God is hoping to help me grow and heal and lead. Pausing is good and i am trying to put more pause in my days and weekends. Thank you for your words and your honesty.
I’m so sorry to hear you find yourself in a similar place. I will be praying for direction and healing. Thanks for sharing your own struggle.
It’s a privilege to write here and I’m so glad it spoke to you where you are. Praying you will have wisdom to know what things should stay and go and that you will experience rest and healing along the way.
Beautifully written! I can so relate . May God bring Peace!
Thank you Kelly! I’m so glad it spoke to you. I appreciate your hope-filled words.
Thank you!
Right there with you – life is not what it used to be and I can’t find my way forward. I’ve been ‘stuck’ for about two years ( far too long). My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so sorry to hear you are stuck. I believe these are seasons and we will come out on the other side, but nothing ever happens fast enough for me. Praying you find your way. Thank you for sharing your own struggle.
Beautiful words, Jennifer. I think many of us focus on the “after — I/we will” only to realize that there is no “after”, only the next thing. Learning to live within the confines and realities of our lives is one of the greatest gifts that we give ourselves. Learning to live meaningfully and gracefully within that reality is one of the biggest challenges !
Girl, you nailed it on all sides! The best gifts are often the hardest to give!
Timing is everything… You popped up on my feed today – just at the right time! Life definitely has some more difficult seasons, and I loved reading your thoughts. It’s been ages and I miss you and your family! Hope our seasons begin looking up!! 😉
Timing is amazing isn’t it? Thank you so much for the encouraging words.
Jennifer, 25 years ago I was working 3 jobs. Unexpectedly, I was laid off from my main career. I was devastated! But it turned out to be the best thing that could ever happen to me. After years of trying to have a baby, two months after they lay off, I was pregnant. I vowed I would dedicate my life to this child and raise her in a Christian home. After a while, I volunteered and signed up for all things – first to raise my hand – ” I’ll do it”. I was so busy with the other things that I forgot about raising my daughter. When she was in 6th grade I started picking and choosing very carefully what I volunteered for. I realized I only had 7 more years with my precious girl! I don’t regret not being the PTA president. I don’t regret not being head of choir tours(sorry, Tim) I don’t regret not being band booster president! Not one bit!! I was always the worker bee so I could have more time with my daughter. I have raised a wonderful, loving, God loving, independent daughter that is very successful at age 24. So my words to you, enjoy your children now! They will be gone in a blink of an eye. Then you can focus on a career, volunteering, and dedicating your life it other organizations. I use to say before she left home ” I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up.” I still am struggling to find that right place – I have found it in working but not in volunteering and missions. With patience, I know the right thing will come along.
Best wishes to you. Be happy with who you are and what you are doing! Thanks for writing on your blog. I can relate in some ways even though we are at different stages in our lives. ❤️
Well this one brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your wisdom shared from your own experience. You may never know how timely it was. I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.
I feel ya! This past year was a huge year of change, milestones , activity and stress that truly overwhelmed me at times . While most of it was positive stuff, being an overachiever Type A as well… I didn’t want to let anything go and still wanted to find a way to manage it all. I am trying to be more deliberate in 2017 to take better care of myself, get more sleep, not get stressed and trust God more… and REALLY try to be present in my moments instead of planning the “next” thing to do. I want to listen more to God’s leading and I think my “flailing” will be less. I’m praying for your journey and mine to be God driven. Love your blogs! Thanks for sharing.
I think a purposeful mindset is key to this. Really asking ourselves why we do what we do and whether it’s wise to keep or add certain things to our plates. I hope you find your rhythm in 2017.
Completely agree!!!
Need the accountability as well!! Please let me know. I have been looking for a group.
Jennifer, as I sat here reading your post, I began reading your words and thinking of you and then suddenly realized that much of these are my words also. The last 12 (especially last 7) months have been hard, trying new ground of which I never (but knew would eventually) wanted to walk. And just when I think, I’m turning a corner, and a new mountain appears with a new (and somewhat old) path in front of me. As my surroundings are new in appearance, but where I’ve lived for 17 yrs, I know everything is new. I know that I have a new normal and I can’t figure out how to live in this place yet. I accuse my students of “trudging” through a song that they have not practiced correctly. Well, I feel like I’m “trudging” through life and every step is hard and sometimes getting harder. I’m trying to figure out how to “practice” my new life. Your words this morning, struck a very strong chord with me and gives me hope. It also reminded me I can’t go back to my previous normal, but have to learn to live in this new one. “New” doesn’t always mean shiny and perfect. When we buy a “used” car, we say that we have a “new” car…. New to us, not to others. I am so thankful this morning, for finding your words, words from God, that you spoke to me! I pray that we both are beginning to find our new steps and not so much “trudging”.
Rhonda: Thank you for being so vulnerable. I love your thoughts on new vs. old. Very poignant and wise. I am choosing to find hope amidst the trudging and pray that you will too. My mom has shared with me that everyone goes through something like this but that it doesn’t last forever. Clinging to that hope this morning. Much love!
Jennifer, This passage made me think of you!! What a wonderful gift you are!! Thank you for sharing; you are courageous and admired!!!
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
I’m doing a study on Ecclesiastes right now. I thought of you after reading your post and reading the lesson for today.
Focus verse: Ecclesiastes 4:6
“The world tells us to get our calendars full and stay on the move. If you don’t, your kids might miss out or they won’t be cool or they won’t learn important life lessons. Competition keeps moms filling their calendars out of fear. But verse 6 shows us that there is value in quietness. This world does not know the rest that our savior Jesus offers. They don’t have to run all over God’s green earth to find meaning; they simply have to run into the arms of the maker of the earth.”
Additional verses about quietness and rest:
Matthew 11:28, 1 Timothy 6:6, Proverbs 15:16
Thank you for sharing your heart – the funny and the hurt.
Thank you so much for this! It speaks into much of where my struggles lie. Add the fact that I fear becoming old and irrelevant professionally and that I won’t have any opportunities once my kids are grown, and it’s a disaster in the making. Is God leading me to change my circumstances by putting opportunities in front of me or teaching me to fully embrace my life season by saying no to something amazing? It’s so hard to discern but so important.
Welcome back! I haven’t shared anything on my blog in over a month either, and the more the time passes, the more difficult it is to know where to start….If you can break silence, I can too. Stay tuned!
I agree it gets a little awkward when we don’t post for a while. But life with kids is crazy! Just get back in the horse and share something! It doesn’t have to be a NYT Best Seller! Good luck.
Jennifer,
Thank you for your post. We all have certain seasons in life that we don’t understand what God is showing us. Keep at it and I know He will lead you through it. Praying for peace and comfort during this transition.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!
Hugs and prayers that you find the peace and purpose you deserve! I’m thankful for your honesty which I know helps many others